Loving with BPD

Disney movies taught us from a very young age that one day our Prince Charming would show up and we’d all live happily ever after.

But life is not a fairy tale. And sometimes there is no happy ending. There isn’t going to be a prince to whisk you off your feet into the sunset. There isn’t going to be someone that can save you from all the bad people in this world. And when this reality hits, it requires you to alter the meaning of this fairy tale love that we grew up believing in. Love is not a passive feeling; it is an action. It takes commitment and compromise. It requires you to think about someone that’s not yourself.

Many of those with an emotionally unstable personality have difficulty with relationships. This is only heightened when it comes to romantic relationships.

At the beginning of a new romantic relationship, many people with BPD are often convinced that they have found ‘the one’ so to speak. Idealising this person and placing them on a pedestal. But as time goes on, they begin to realise that this new partner is not as perfect as they first seemed, suddenly believing that they are the world’s biggest a**hole.

A black and white thinking mode where in their mind, that person is either the best or the worst.

There can be a shift of feeling utterly euphoric, to a total fear of intimacy. A constant back-and-forth between demands for love and attention, to sudden withdrawal and isolation. From wanting to spend every day together, to never wanting to see them again.

As well as wild mood swings, people with BPD often have chronic abandonment fears – they are terrified that others will leave them. This fear can have a huge impact on the relationship, causing them to feel constantly on edge, analysing every word and movement, and interpreting any minor event as a sign that the other person will leave.

A BPD expert and author, Randi Kreger, once said that suffering from a borderline personality is like “having ‘aural dyslexia,’ in which they hear words and sentences backwards, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.” This means that many things can be taken the wrong way and messages can be interpreted differently, leading one to jump to conclusions.

I am learning to not feel ashamed for the way I feel. I accept that I am an intense person. When I feel things, I feel them intensely. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I show my emotions. And it is not my fault or loss if others can’t accept that too. Opening up yourself to a new relationship can be scary and sometimes you get badly hurt. But remember: you never lose by loving, but you always lose by holding back.

I will not beg you for your time or try to convince you to choose me. The world is too big and I have too much to offer.

Unknown

-K xxx