Starting Over

For those who even vaguely know me, will know that in January this year I moved to the other side of the world. This would be big change for anyone, but for me it felt even more significant having spent my entire life living in my family home. It was a move from one extreme to the other – leaving behind everything familiar and starting somewhere new.

When I came back from travelling, I felt stuck in what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I didn’t want to settle back into life in the Midlands, but I also didn’t want to move to London where it felt like everyone else was. Living abroad had always been something I’d considered, so when the opportunity came up to move to Australia with work, I decided to take the chance.

I remember the moment I landed in Sydney. On the flight over, I was sitting next to a lovely couple from the UK who were visiting their son, who was travelling on a working holiday visa. I told them I was moving over for work, that I had never been to Australia before, and that I didn’t know a single person there.

When we touched down, the reality of how far away I was from home suddenly hit me. I was thousands of miles away from my family, my friends, and everything that felt safe. The woman sitting beside me put her hand on my shoulder and said, “I think it’s so brave what you’re doing. Your family must be so proud of you.” I immediately burst into tears.

I’ve always been someone who likes to stay busy, and it has been no different living here. I’ve been playing oztag, rugby league, rugby union, AFL, and going to pilates, the gym, dance classes, wind band and, for reasons still unclear, a random Muay Thai open sparring session. Someone once told me I’m like the kid at school who signs up for every extracurricular activity going, and honestly, they’re probably not wrong.

But beyond loving sports and throwing myself into as many things as I can, one of the main reasons for joining all these groups was as a way of making friends. I knew making friends as an adult would be hard, but I don’t think I fully appreciated how difficult it would be until I had to go through it.

I recently listened to an episode on the podcast Great Company hosted by Jamie Laing where he interviewed Alain de Botton, an incredible author and public speaker (if you haven’t read or seen any of his work then I would highly recommend you check him out). The episode was titled “Why Making Friends as an Adult Feels Impossible (But Isn’t).” No prizes here for guessing why I wanted to listen to this. They spoke about how in our society, people don’t understand how to have deep friendships, and how we need to be more honest with ourselves.

I don’t feel like I ever fully fitted in at school. In high school I never had a big friendship group, and moving school at 16 meant a part of me always felt like an outsider. As I transitioned through my late teens and early twenties, my mental health deteriorated, and I found it hard to build and maintain healthy relationships. Moving into my mid to late twenties, life seemed to scatter people in different directions, and I started to feel lonelier than I’d like to admit. It felt like I was losing friends along the way or simply didn’t have many anymore. So a big part of me was excited to move away and start fresh.

But starting again has been rough. It feels like I’m back in the school playground, going from group to group, hoping for someone to accept me in. And at times it feels so lame. To be in my late twenties and “putting myself out there” to try and make friends. I’ve never been a surface-level person, and I find it hard having superficial friends. For me, a good friend is someone I can call at any time and pour my heart out to. This is probably why I feel like I haven’t made much progress yet. On the outside, I know a lot of people, but very few I could truly open up to.

I remind myself that friendships take time. They require energy and effort (from both sides) to meet up, get to know each other, and share experiences together. I often wonder if people would still be friends with their schoolmates if they met them today. Having asked this question to a few people, most of the time the answer has been probably not. But spending nearly every day together for the best part of 7 years is what bonds them.

As the saying goes, “your vibe attracts your tribe”, and I’m really trying to trust the process.

Touching on my mental health, given that I’m living in my own place for the first time in a country I’d never been to before, I actually think I’ve been coping quite well. Using what I’ve learnt through many years of therapy and continuing with my medication, I’ve been managing to keep myself on track. Since being diagnosed with Autism and more recently ADHD, I’ve been researching ways to help me manage my life better, and I’m in the process of finding a psychiatrist to look into medication that could also help me with this. So overall I think I’m doing pretty well. I’d even go as far as to say that I’m a little bit proud of myself.

There are things that I really miss from the UK. Despite not having a solid ‘group’, I have some very close friends who I miss dearly. It’s been hard not being able to see my family and have a hug and a cuppa tea when I’m feeling sad. And then of course there’s my beloved dog Doug. I don’t know if I’ll ever have children of my own, but I imagine this is what it would be like to have a child. I’m constantly asking my family for photo and video updates to fill a Doug-shaped hole in my life. Another thing I really miss are jacket potatoes. Australia really needs to up the size, quite literally, of their potato game.

Despite the lows that I’ve experienced, I do love my life over here and I don’t foresee ever going back to the UK if I can help it. It’s felt like a much-needed fresh start, and even though I don’t feel like I’ve fully settled in and found my people, I know that it will come in time.

-K xxx