S is for Suicide

To get to a place where you feel like you have no option but to take your own life is a place I wouldn’t wish for anyone to visit. But on January 11th 2018, this is exactly the place I went to.

I am going to assume that many would have read the title of this post and automatically carried on scrolling, maybe saying to themselves, “that’s a bit dark isn’t it? Why would you talk about suicide?” But my question to those would be, why is talking about suicide so taboo?

Suicidal thoughts and attempts are something that many others including myself have struggled with. But surely this doesn’t apply to men right? Men are tough. Men don’t cry or show emotion. They’re the ones that protect everyone else. Men don’t need to ask for help. They’re always fine.

Wrong.

Suicide is the most common cause of death for men aged 20-49 years in England and Wales. We need to learn to get rid of the stigma that surrounds talk of depression and suicide, especially amongst men.

For those who think that suicide is selfish, please take in what I’m about to say. Imagine you are in a box. A glass box. The rest of the world is around you, going about their own business. You try to talk to someone, but they can’t hear you. You try to get out of the box, but it’s completely sealed. You give up and tell yourself you’ll try again tomorrow. As time passes, you wake up everyday wishing that you never did. You feel as though there is no happiness, joy or good in your life. You try and talk to others, but they can’t hear the silent cries of pain in your voice. You convince yourself that no one cares. That it wouldn’t make a difference if you spoke to someone because you don’t deserve help. You’re irrelevant to this world. You try getting out of the box again. You start screaming and slamming on the glass, but no one takes any notice and there’s not a crack on the screen. You can feel the light inside fading away. The transparent walls are becoming opaque. Everything around you is becoming dark. Pitch black. Then it is silent.

Next time your train is delayed or you’re stuck in traffic due to ‘an incident’, instead of getting angry at the fact that you’ll miss your favourite soap, or you’ll have to reheat your dinner, please spare a thought for the individual who had got to that place. Think about how this person must have felt to get to the point of physically taking their own life. Think about the friends and family who have to deal and live with the aftermath of this event. Think about someone that’s not yourself. And they say suicide is selfish.

I want to end this post by thanking my family and friends who helped me through this dark time, but a special thank you to my mum.

Thank you mum for finding me. Thank you for breaking open the door. Thank you for calling the ambulance. Thank you for staying so calm whilst I was in a turmoil. Thank you for following me to the hospital. Thank you for taking me home when I was discharged. Thank you mum for saving my life. And I’m sorry that I put you through that.

-K xxx

7 thoughts on “S is for Suicide

  1. You’re incredibly brave for posting this – thank you. As someone who has had a family member incredibly close to me attempt – and thank God, failed – suicide, I understand that even after the physical attempt is over, your mind and spirit can feel so incredibly broken. I’ve come close to that dark place myself, of feeling like I’m not good enough for myself or others, and I’ve been blessed enough to (sometimes barely) resist that temptation to take that horrible, drastic action. I’m happy to see that not only did you come out the other side alive and well, but a wiser person for it. I’m not saying your suicide attempt was a good thing, obviously, but I can’t imagine you come out of such a dark place like that and not see the world in a different light.

    Like you said, suicide isn’t selfish. It’s a last resort of the broken and desperate, and I’m so incredibly sorry that you had to go through such an experience. What doesn’t kill you has infinite potential to make you stronger, and I so hope you find a way to build on this for a better future. All the best to you, Katrina.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. This describes it so well. The screaming and screaming and not being heard, day after day after day. I know it. Thankyou for this post, and all the very very best to you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply to Eliza Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s